


amnesia

by Blownwish



Category: Devilman (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Amnesia, Anal Sex, Angst, Devilman Crybaby 2018, Hand Jobs, M/M, Oral Sex, Public Hand Jobs, Switching, Violence, Yaoi, lots of yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 06:56:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13382538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blownwish/pseuds/Blownwish
Summary: Ryo doesn’t believe in love and he wants Akira to stop believing, too.





	amnesia

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Phayte](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phayte/gifts).



> omg thank you thank you, Phayte, for going down this rabbit hole with me!!

He wanted to make Akira stop feeling pain and the best way to stop feeling pain was to stop believing in love. “Let me take all his feelings away,” Jenny once said she would take away all of Akira’s feelings, when Ryo was a boy. She said he would feel nothing. She said it without words. 

No, he didn’t like the idea. So she didn’t. But it made no sense to her. If Akira felt nothing, pain would mean nothing to him. 

“I want him to feel.” He could look at a distant star in the night sky, and instantly know it down to the last atom. He could touch the skirt of the ocean and he knew the life history of every being on this planet. He would understand this, too. This was a magic trick with chemicals, like the methamphetamine in those club pills and DMT in the shaman’s tea. He would have credited those wonderfully selfish genes - this planet seemed to breed ruthlessness - but there was something else. He could almost see it when Akira cried. He saw enough and he _hated it_. 

Jenny’s hand touched his forehead. He didn’t know why he said, “Thank you.” He felt much better. He didn’t realize he had been shaking and his face was all wet. “I hope I grow out of these colds.”  
++

Akira was sixteen years old when Ryo decided to show him love wasn’t real. “Come to the Radisson, the one downtown,” Ryo told him while Akira sat in the bleachers, watching that Miki girl run laps around the track. “We’ll do something cool.” He made sure to touch Akira’s knee. To smile. To give him all the proper queues. 

Akira wasn’t looking at the girl he was mooning over, anymore. “Okay.”

And he came. Of course he came. Ryo opened the door to his plush room with white carpet as soft and thick as fur and a canopied bed. Ryo pushed Akira inside of it; and Akira looked up at him with a smile as Ryo straddled him. He didn’t put up a fight. He never could. He was so weak. 

“So you love me, don’t you Ryo?” Akira’s hands shook as he reached out to touch the hem of Ryo’s T-shirt. “I knew you felt love.”

He was wrong. Ryo He took out the pills. ”Let’s party. Totally safe.”

“What’ll they do?” Akira opened his mouth when Ryo holds out the pink one. He didn’t hesitate to chew it up like baby aspirin. 

“It’ll make it more intense. Like a trip.” He took the blue one. Jenny said it was very important that he took it right away, as soon as Akira got there. 

Akira’s smile immediately warmed him, like sunshine, and he traced that smile with his finger. “Are you nervous?” Akira’s hand was warm, too. “I’m nervous. I’ve never done this before.”

“Me neither.” Ryo wasn’t sure why that didn’t feel right. “Suck my finger.” 

He pushed it in and Akira sucked on it like a baby would suck a thumb. He held Ryo’s hand in his and looked back up at Ryo with those big brown eyes. He looked breakable. He was breakable. 

Ryo had to be careful. “Imagine my mouth doing this.” He reached down. He let his hand hover Akira’s fly, and Akira squirmed. “I’ll do it. You know that, right?” He palmed it, just like he’d seen in those videos. And Akira thrust up. Of course he thrust up. And he nodded. Of course he nodded. Ryo pulled off his pants. “Scoot back.” All the way to the giant wooden headboard. Ryo smirked when Akira’s back smacked against it. When Akira but his lip as Ryo pried his legs apart. And smiled as he got between them. As he looked up. And yanked the elastic of those tidy whities back. “So hard, already.”

He was going to show Akira that love he thought he felt for that stupid girl wasn’t real. But lust? Lust certainly was. 

++

Akira wants to die. This is the only explanation. He cries for mauled kittens because he wants to die in its place. He moons over that Miki girl because he wants to die for her. He wants those chemicals in his weak little body to drive him off a cliff. To choke him. To cut him up and let him bleed out. Ryo doesn’t understand. He doesn’t think he wants to understand anymore. All he knows is Akira must be stopped before he lets this world tear him apart. 

Because Akira would. Just like he was willing to let Ryo cut him up to protect that pathetic dying kitten. 

This is why he brought Akira to Sabat. Might as well show Akira what he’s asking for. “Demons are real.” Ryo says this, as if demons are the worst thing in the world. “You wanna see?”

This is why he lets the girl jam that methamphetamine in Akira’s mouth. Why he grabs Akira’s crotch as they watch bodies grind in a circle around the orgy at the pulsing center of the warehouse. Akira whimpers and he hides his face in Ryo’s neck. “Do you expect me to do those things?”

“No.” These people - all people - aren’t good enough to so much as look at Akira. He is something apart from these animals. “No one touches you but me. Remember?” Not that topless girl. Not that Miki girl. No one. Akira belongs to Ryo and no one else. 

Akira nods as Ryo rubs up and down, up and down, with a little twist guaranteed to make Akira’s adrenaline spike and dilate his capillaries. “I remember.”

But it isn’t enough. Akira can’t stop staring at the boy on his knees, sucking off a line of men, two at a time. Ryo knows he’s wondering what it’s like. He’s licking his lips and imagining himself opening his mouth, blindly accepting any cock, letting them grab his hair, smack his face and coming all over it. He would let them. 

He would.

Ryo jumps up. It’s time to change things. To make these animals useful. He breaks a bottle, he slams it into chests and faces and blood is flowing and these freaks are _coming_ as they die. It’s like rock and roll. It’s like the moment everything exploded into existence. It’s a summoning. 

The demons appear in the gashes, peeking through the filmy, popping organs and the gleam in the red light. “Come on, Amon!” He’s not sure how he knows that is the right name. But it is. “Come on out!”

There is so much blood. 

“Would you die in their place?” Ryo screams as he films the bloodbath waterfall. “That’s all you could do, Akira! You’re too fragile!”

But Ryo already has the solution. It is right behind Akira, all teeth and tongues, and it stinks like a thousand, thousand corpses. It won’t hurt Akira. 

Ryo won’t let anything hurt Akira. 

But he gets sick when the mouth comes down like a trap. His nose and eyes get wet and he shakes. He shakes so much he drops the camera. He drops to his knees. He drops his head as blood rolls like a tidal wave and laps against his knees. 

_“Ryo!”_

He sees a shadow re-emerge; muscle snaps and Ryo _knows_ Akira is emerging from the steaming flesh, even though he looks like — 

Ryo tips his head up and he sees those eyes. There are tears in those eyes as he tears a demon in two. 

Akira will not die and no one will ever touch him. 

++

He was trembling when Ryo put his mouth on his cock. “Oh my god, Ryo…” His fingers tentatively touched his hair. As if he could not believe and didn’t dare break the spell. 

He couldn’t. Chemistry was a straightforward thing. Methamphetamine and dopamine and adrenaline made for one hell of a trip and Akira was going to learn something today as Ryo gagged himself on Akira’s dick, once, twice —

Oh, fuck! Akira was whimpering and moaning and he was arching his back and Ryo was so _hard._ His hands shook as he tried to hold Akira’s hips down and he could feel something - something warm sliding under the surface of his skin. Something familiar. Something alien. Something that had always been in the corner of his mind —

“It feels so good!” Akira is sobbing, now. “Let me make you feel good, too!”

He didn’t mean to kiss him, but Akira was so sweet and so soft and he looked up at him with those big brown eyes, and Ryo felt warmer, brighter, like a yellow star, and Akira reaches for him. Akira cupped his face. Akira stared into his eyes and said: “You look like an angel, right now.” And then he kissed Ryo. Gently. Sweetly. So sweetly. The drugs were really kicking in because Ryo felt so warm. So warm and so good. Like he could fly. 

Somehow he found the lube. He pushed Akira’s legs back and he pushed one finger, then two fingers in. Akira shit his eyes and gritted his teeth. “Keep going.” He grabbed Ryo’s arm and pushed against his fingers. “I can take it.”

No, not like this. He didn’t want self sacrifice. He didn’t want a show of love. No. Ryo wanted lust. 

So he curled his fingers up. He dipped his tongue into Akira’s open mouth. He jerked Akira off and he watched Akira curled his back like a cat, gasped and panted and flushed for Ryo. “Tell me you want to get fucked.”

Akira nodded. No, it was not good enough. 

“Tell me!” Ryo jammed his fingers in faster. “Tell me you need it hard and dirty like a good little slut.”

He saw the sunshine in his eyes when he opened his arms, wide. “Fuck me like a… a… “

Ryo pressed his cock up against him. “Say it!”

_”I need it hard and dirty like a good little slut!”_

++

Akira is not the same. His body is bigger, muscular, stronger. His voice is low, he growls and he snarls. His eyes are the only thing that haven’t changed. They watch Ryo as he leads Akira back to his apartment. As he pulls him by the hand through the white rooms and blank walls and into the sterile bathroom in stainless steel. He opens the shower head. He refuses to close the shower door. 

“I am so different.” Akira watches the stinking mix of yellow and red blood wash down the drain. “I am so…”

“Strong.” Ryo says it quickly. “Hard to kill.” Water sluices over Akira’s skin. Over his chest. His — “Very strong.”

The hand closing around his wrist is big. The nails are long. The grip is _gentle_. “Ryo?”

He looks into those eyes. Akira’s eyes. “What?”

“You wanted me, like this?”

++

Akira was quiet through the first thrust. He just nodded as if it didn’t hurt, even though it had to have hurt because it was impossible for this not to hurt, initially. No matter how much prep was used. And yet he just let him. He just took it. He just nodded — then smiled — and reached up. Reached up and touched Ryo’s chest. “I love you.”

No. Ryo closes his eyes and shook his head - was that hair on his shoulders? And he could feel something - something on his back? No, it was the pill in his system. That, and the feel of being balls deep in Akira was messing with his head, making him more susceptible to irrationality. Shit! He couldn’t fall into the trip. Not like that. 

But it kept happening when he moved. He wondered if he was going to trip about being a demon. A demon fucking Akira? He slammed into his body, over and over, faster, harder. 

And he felt his nose run and his eyes water - he needed air - _”Akira!”_ Akira felt so good he couldn’t breath. 

Until he felt two unsteady hands touch his face. Slide down his chest and - 

Ryo was really hallucinating now, because he could feel Akira cupping him, as if his chest was- _are those breasts?_ Akira looked up at Ryo as he took his nipple into his mouth and squeezed with both hands, in time with every thrust. 

It was so _good_. So warm and tight and all Akira wanted to do is make him feel more and more. “Is this how I really see you?” 

Ryo could look at any given object and understand it, perfectly. Speak any language after a few hours of immersion. Look into the eyes of a human being and say all the magic words necessary to reprogram their conscience. But he did not know what Akira was looking at, when Akira looked at him now. It made him shiver some more. “You see a guy fucking you up the ass. And you like it.” He grabbed Akira’s cock. He stroked, fast and hard. And he smiled. “Sweet little slut! You love getting me off, don’t you?”

Then he saw one tear roll down Akira’s face. Oh, no. No! Ryo didn’t want to make him sad! He stopped. He stopped and he watched another roll down. But Akira was wiping Ryo’s face, first. 

“You’re afraid I won’t be able love you like this.” Akira kisses his lips. “But I can.”

++

Ryo is not in the mood to explain why this isn’t about biochemical urges dressed up with hearts and flowers. This is about Akira being able to fight in the war, instead of die. And war is coming. 

He cuts the water for Akira. Hands him a towel and Akira snatched his wrist before he can pull back. “Of course we’ll still screw around,” Akira says. “Fucking a demon body sounds interesting.” 

Akira looks at the white coat as if he’s never seen it before and he can’t quite figure out what to call it. “Take that off.”

The coat falls to the floor. “Are you going to fuck me?” 

“Yes.” Akira hooks his finger on the collar of his shirt. Buttons bounce on the floor and Akira grabs his shoulders. He pulls him close. Close enough for that half hard cock to rub against Ryo’s belly. “You’re going to have to lube yourself.” Akira shows him his nails. They’re long. 

Ryo smiles as that big hand slides over his chest. “Do it as hard and as fast as you possibly can.”

“I might kill you.” Akira’s hand stops at Ryo’s hip. 

His smile must be covering every square inch of his face. “You know that’s bullshit.”

++

He remembered very few things about his childhood. Most of his memories revolved around Akira and the little preschool down the dirt lane, near the bakery. The rest of it felt like one long nap between books he understood at a glance. Jenny said he was a smart boy, a special boy. Too special for ordinary school. 

Not with words. 

But he needed sleep. He needed so much sleep he spent most of his time in bed. Jenny called him a little seed. Said he had spent so long waiting to be born that he got used to dormancy. Not with words. 

And he dreamt. He dreamt of flying in a never ending heaven of rainbow colored skies and whole galaxies for clouds. And he felt something so warm. Warmer than the sun. It radiated from his chest and he was brighter than any star. 

And then he would find himself floating in cold space. It was dark. It was lonely. So dark and lonely. 

He felt sick when he woke up from those dreams. His eyes, his nose, his whole face would be wet, and Jenny would touch his forehead. Jenny would make him feel better. 

++

He lays down on his back in the middle of his mattress, naked, lube in hand, and spreads his legs. “Remember when I showed you the difference between sex and love?” He shoves one finger in and it hurts. He expected it to, but he winces anyway. Akira seems to like it. “Fucking is nasty, dirty business.” 

He’s crawling over the bed, his teeth are skimming over Ryo’s leg and he grabs Ryo’s dick and suddenly he is between Ryo’s legs. Somehow his teeth are skimming over his cock. His breath is hot. His skin is hot. He crawls on top Ryo’s body and lets out his breath in a long, slow hiss. “That’s how you want it.”

He stared at a wall of muscle. At the brown nipple presented to him like an invitation. “I want to suck you.” 

Akira moves and it’s so fast Ryo doesn’t even realize Akira is straddling his face, pressing his cock up against his cheek. Ryo turns and opens his mouth. 

He is too wide. Too big - and he still thrusts into Ryo’s mouth. Just a little, just the tip. It’s still too much. Ryo can’t breath, can’t _see_ , but his nose starts running and Akira is thrusting in and out and he can’t stop him. 

No, he can. He knows he can. He doesn’t want to. Ryo grabs his ass and he wants Akira make him take it all. 

Akira’s low voice rolls over him. “You wanted me to be big, didn’t you?”

Ryo moans. He wants to feel the power in this body. To feel this Akira, the one he remade. He makes a sound that’s too much like a sob between the coughs when Akira pulls out. His big hands wipe his face dry. Funny time to be sick. Akira presses his forehead against his as he settles back between Ryo’s legs, as he rearranges Ryo’s limbs around his big body, as he brushes his dick up against Ryo’s ass. “I’d make you look like an angel if I had my way.”

He feels as if he’s being torn in two. He kicks and he curses and Akira holds him down, keeps him down, and then - oh, there is that spark - and when he looks up, he sees Akira’s new wings spread above them. “Then fuck an angel.” 

Akira is inside of him, pushing deep, so deep and so hard and so fast, like the speed of light. Every thrust, every slap of skin, is harder than the last. So hard the spark inside of Ryo ignites something like light so bright - he must be feeling the residuals from that pill at the club because -

“Damn you!” Akira snarls and Ryo moans louder as the bed breaks and reality breaks and there are wings, feathered wings stretching out from Ryo’s back, as Akira hauls him up. “You know what love is!” He grinds into Ryo. “You _know_.”

++

Akira tilted his hips as Ryo fucked deep into him. His hands slipped over Ryo’s back, over his breasts. His face. Akira looked into Ryo’s eyes. “You are the most beautiful angel in all of heaven.”

The light that shined where his heart belonged became too bright. So bright Ryo couldn’t see. But he could hear Akira’s voice. _Oh, Ryo! Ryo! Yes - Ryo!_

It felt like a thousand years later when Ryo woke up. Jenny drew the canopy sheets open. Akira was gone. All he had left were dirty sheets and a puddle of lube in the mattress. “He has to go back to that house before dark.” He was cold and it made him shiver. Made his lip quiver. He felt — 

She said they’d have to take the pills every time they had sex. Not with words. She touched his forehead and he felt nothing.

Everything was going according to plan.


End file.
